How many offspring do you have

How many children do you have ?!


Written by ER2011 on May 31, 2017, 1:59 p.m.

A little over 2 years ago I had to let my girl go in the 14th week of pregnancy. After that I mourned intensely and got a follow-up miracle - quite surprisingly, we actually wanted to wait longer so that the wound could heal properly. So now I have two children by the hand and one in my heart. For me that makes THREE!
At the moment I'm on the road a lot for work and I'm very often asked how many children I have.
But now I don't know how to answer. If I say three, the question often comes up, "How old are they" and if I then say 5 and 1, then of course a number is missing ... If I say two, I feel strange because (for me) it is wrong.
I have the feeling that for outsiders, a child that has been lost (and then also before the birth) does not count.
I have such ambivalent feelings that I would have liked to hear how you deal with them.

 

Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromDragon frog on May 31, 2017, 7:43 pm

Huhu.
First of all, my condolences for your loss!

I don't know if my opinion will help you. I'm a bit radical on this ...
I myself had a FG in the 7th week after fertility treatment. We never saw the heartbeat. Just a fruit cave. But I haven't lost a baby to myself. Some are already grieving. We gave names to this cell collection even though we don't even know what it would have become. Everyone has to grieve in their own way, but it can also be difficult.

You lost a child in the 14th week. There was a gender, there was a heartbeat and on the ultrasound there was probably even movement. You lost someone No question. But you have 2 children. No 3. When people ask you how many children you have, they want to know how many children you are caring for. How many children you blow on wounds. How many children you are making food for. Not how many you could make food for.

What do you expect from your children, what will they answer the question "How many siblings do you have?" should they really say 2 but one is dead? Above all, one of your children wouldn't even exist if you hadn't lost the other.

I don't even want to imagine how I would be if I had a miscarriage so late.
Mourn! Never forget the poor little miracle. But live for the living. You have 2 children you have to be there for, 2 you have to live for. In my opinion you have 2 children.

I also have a miracle now. 14 weeks old. And I'll never tell her that she has a sibling who is dead. Because without the loss of the cell collection, I would never have had this sunshine. There are only 4 months between the FG and the knowledge that the treatment has worked a second time. So I couldn't have both. Just like you.

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromER2011 on May 31, 2017, 7:58 pm

You say what I feel in people - they don't want to know anything about unborn children.
But we "lived" with her for three months, the 1st born child was also looking forward to the sibling for 2 weeks and it is very clear that there are two siblings! It makes it easier for children to deal with it, they are completely with themselves, they don't think about what the people around them think and now I realize that this is exactly my sticking point - I have three children and I can feel that the others are not like that see and therefore I am not "allowed to" say it.

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromEmils-mami on May 31, 2017, 9:08 pm

Hello, such a loss is incomprehensible to others who, thank goodness, did not have to experience it themselves.

I gave birth to my son 4 weeks ago in the 23rd SSW and lost him straight away.

Should anyone ask me what does happen, I would say. I have 3 children living with me. So I say that I could still have one, but what doesn’t live with me. Should someone then ask, you can go into it further if you want or not. But with this statement you clearly think that there is actually another one and you do not have the feeling of denying it.

LG
Sabrina

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromjannas on May 31, 2017, 10:16 pm

Hello,
my daughter died in this world after 25 hours.
Never, never will I forget her.
I don't care what other people do.
I know that it existed and that if fate had wanted it otherwise, it would still exist.
Nevertheless, I don't mention them anymore, otherwise the inquiries are too stupid for me.
When someone asks me how many children I have, I say three. I mean my children here with me.
What I can't and absolutely reluctance to do, however, is that I don't like when my deceased daughter's two triplet siblings are referred to as twins.
That's not true either, there were three of them.
Although I don't like to contradict or improve when someone talks about twins. The children tend to do that themselves.
All the best to you!

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromThea1511 on May 31, 2017, 10:50 p.m.

I don't think you only have 2 children. You have 3! And if you feel like you want to share it, do so. If the others don't want to hear it, that's their problem.
I have 2 children: one on earth, one in heaven (died as an infant). If someone asks me, I'll say it that way too. Unless I'm in no shape to explain anything. Sometimes my earth child also says "I still have a sister in heaven." Some people find it difficult to deal with it, then remain silent, others ask about it and show interest.
They are all your children.
Say what your heart advises you! And that can be completely different in different situations, with different people or at different times. Listen to yourself and not the feelings of others.
And I also don't think that your next child didn't exist. Maybe not at this point in time, but at another.
I wish you all the best and a lot of strength with the difficult question of listening to your heart.

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Well It depends on who asks

answer fromFalling star on June 1st, 2017, 8:18 am

A friend that you have gained or, as with you, professionally.

I lost my first child in the 4th month.
An ectopic pregnancy a few months later.

I was 4 times pregnant, but I only have two children.

And more is nothing to do with people I know only briefly. I agree.
That has nothing to do with hiding, but with distance.

There is certain information that I do not want to divulge from people I come across professionally.
You can see for yourself, they are overwhelmed with it.
And I think they can do that too.

Questions like this are empty phrases, casual conversation, a miscarriage to address the wrong framework for me and nothing that the other party expects.

For me it also makes a big difference whether the child was born or was already viable when it had to go again.
I consciously say for myself ...

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromHannah79 on June 1st, 2017, 8:59 a.m.

Uff. Now it's running cold down my spine. Because exactly THAT is also a hurdle that I always, permanently and constantly stumble over everywhere.

Obviously, I have two (!) Children. But as you write, this question is often asked in a very non-binding setting in small talk. When I then say two children and the inevitable further question about age or the like comes and you then say one thing is in heaven ... boom. Of course, that breaks such small talk quite violently.

But I just can't bring myself to say I only have one child. I can't, really can't. Now I do it by saying two. And when my sentence about heaven comes, then I am emphatically relaxed, smile and consciously continue with small talk to signal to my counterpart that he is not silent now, express his condolences or talk to me about the meaning of the Life must enter. But that it's just completely normal, I just have two children, and how many do you have? For me, this is still the easiest way to go. I cannot hide my first daughter (17th week). But I also don't want to bring someone I may not know well into an embarrassed situation.

Nevertheless, it is certain that most will find this irritating and that they are of the opinion that I shouldn't bring this up directly to more or less strangers in the third sentence and carry it like a wound in front of me. I can't blame them, without the experience I would probably think the same way, because as someone not affected you don't see the dilemma in which you are. Of course, I don't feel the need to press a stranger directly that I have a dead child, but it's just not possible to say that I only have one.

And I don't want it either, because it's my little daughter, my firstborn, the sister who lives in heaven. I cannot do anything about the taboo dealing with miscarriages and death in our society. But it took me a long time to find a way for myself in such conversations that was reasonably feasible. It's still not quite optimal, but for me personally it is the best compromise so far.

All the best and that you will find a variant for yourself, with which you have your peace and with which you can do justice to all three of your children.

Best regards,
Hannah

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My grandma is no longer alive. And neither did my first daughter.

answer fromHannah79 on June 1st, 2017, 9:12 am

For me personally it also makes a difference whether the child was born "right" or not. So I don't count my early miscarriages myself, otherwise I would have six children, haha. But my "late miscarriage" was born. It was a normal delivery room, labor and all. My daughter was very healthy and was still alive until shortly before the birth. And it makes no difference to me whether she took a short breath after giving birth or whether her little heart failed during the birth.

And yes, I know that most of them find that irritating or even aloof or whatever. And I can understand that. Really. I know that you put too much on most of them, especially in the wrong moments or situations. And every time I answer this question, I hesitate a fraction and, even today, after almost four years, keep thinking over and over again whether I should answer "one" or "two" children. And then I see my little one in front of me, with her little fingernails, the left hand with the index finger on the head, the right hand in front of her stomach. The little feet. And then I just can't say "a child". Even if I am sorry for the other person and the conversation.

And then again, I also think why it has to be felt as distant if one does not hide dead people. Death is part of life. As far as I myself have made my peace with the loss. There is nothing bad to say, no my father is no longer alive. Neither does my grandma. And neither did my first daughter.

By the way, this is not an attack on you or your opinion !! :-)

Best regards,
Hannah

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromApril Fool's Day 2000 on June 1st, 2017, 9:17 am

So I think you can mention the child if you want to. As for the age, I would say 5 and 1 and one would now be 3 or so.

I never met my cousin. He died when I was 1 1/2 before I was born. Nevertheless, I decided that he belongs to my family and is worth mentioning.

LG Chrissie

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromcactus angel on June 1st, 2017, 12:32 p.m.

Hello,
an interesting question. I have a brother, but I still have two siblings, both died in 1976 because they were born prematurely.
For me they belong to the family too, if someone is close to me, then I tell them too.
I was 5 years old at the time, there was still no psychological counseling for siblings or anything like that. I then played with twin dolls, collected twin pictures, etc. I also wanted to become a pediatric nurse back then - which is what I am now.
The topic only left me calm when I had "everything", i.e. the birth reports (requested after years) and the photos.
You shouldn't underestimate how many siblings can see!
LG Claudia

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromkuni26 on June 1st, 2017, 2:49 pm

I also find this question very difficult. Somehow there is no right or wrong I believe. The situation, how strong I feel in the moment who asks ... everything matters.
I have 3 children by the hand, had 2 miscarriages (13th and 11th week of pregnancy) and my daughter was born quietly in the 26th week of pregnancy. Most of the time I say I have 4 children, but then I have a guilty conscience towards my two little angels, sometimes I say I have three living children, so the others can ask or don't ... Sometimes I say I have 3 here with me and three in heaven.
For my two big children it is very clear that they count our angels too!

In your case you clearly have 3 children for me.
best regards

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromER2011 on June 1st, 2017, 8:09 pm

Apparently it is an issue for many of us, it has already helped me to see that I am not alone. I think I'll answer differently depending on how I am on the day and the situation.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromnita83 on June 1st, 2017, 8:54 pm

Hello, I always answer 2 other hands and you can think of or ask for the rest. But very few ask.
LG nita

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromaphid on June 2nd, 2017, 2:34 am

I see it like falling stars - it depends who asks.

If it is someone I have known (loosely) for a long time, but see only very rarely, I am already telling "the truth".
Sometimes I "lie" to strangers because it is simply none of their business and / or sometimes I don't feel like explanations, pity or the like.
On the other hand, there are exceptions in both cases that are simply sympathetic-dependent.

And for myself I don't count my short pregnancies (i.e. those up to the 12th week). Everyone would ask if I said I had six children ...

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Re: You could say "Two in the hand and one in the heart"

answer fromSoie on June 2nd, 2017, 10:10 pm

This clearly answers the question. And then maybe, x is ... years old and y ... years old. This means that you know about it and you have not "denied" any of your children or however you feel about it.

I haven't lost a child myself, but my grandmother was still talking about my "aunt" when she was 90 years old and who died at the age of 6 months. A mother's heart does not forget ...

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromEllert on June 3rd, 2017, 7:05 pm

HUHU

I have 4 children and have been pregnant 6 times
Unfortunately, I never had the two lost ones, I would count them if they were born in the classic sense.

I had an interesting conversation with meienr 15-year-olds that revolved around the asterisks
And it really is strange but if I had the asterisks
if the other two had never been born - that makes me think.
As much as you miss the asterisks - for this we got two other children that I could never miss,
difficult to describe. We would never have had 6 children
Another never replaces what has been lost, but it is still thought-provoking
I would never have had two great people

LG dagmar

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromJessi757 on June 3rd, 2017, 7:51 pm

I have six children.

The two miscarriages (10th and 16th week of pregnancy) are my little angels.
If they had ever lived outside of my womb, or if one had died shortly before or during childbirth, I would probably name them with this question.

I don't forget them just because they're not one of the kids I see growing up.

The miscarriages hurt so much because they were a hope for life that never came true.

But it is also true for me, if the first FG had not been one, I would probably not have had my next five children ...

LG
Jesus

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromJessi757 on 06/04/2017, 3:06 pm

Jeez ...
The spelling correction does whatever he wants with my name ...

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromela080 on 06.06.2017, 9:52 pm

So first my sincere condolences. That you had to experience something so sad. I know how you feel, we also had to let our daughter go to the stars in the 18th SSW. It was the worst thing that happened to us. And we also have a follow-up miracle here with us. our daughter sent us our son. he is now 21 months and makes us happy. but although he is so small he knows that he has a big sister. if you ask him where lotta lives he points to the sky .I always tell him that his big sister lives there and she always takes care of him. Even when I ask people, I always say that I have 2 children. Lotta belongs to us. She was there even if she is now somewhere else than us she is my child and i would never deny her.

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Re: My grandma is no longer alive. And neither did my first daughter.

answer fromGhost fingers on June 7th, 2017, 8:22 am

In my opinion, this whole discussion is not about finding the path that is valid for everyone, but rather about exchanging ideas about how everyone handles it. And I think everyone has to act according to their feelings and there are no objective criteria as to when a child counts or not. I feel that I have two children and that I miscarried. I don't tell everyone that, but I say it when a colleague had one, for example. But that's how I feel good. The question is what role the child who does not live with you plays in the family. Do the siblings know about it? Do you talk about the child in everyday family life?

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Re: Well. It depends on who asks

answer fromChristine70 on June 9th, 2017, 9:28 pm

Same with me.
I was 6 times pregnant but have three children.
I lost two babies during pregnancy, one at 14th and 20th week of pregnancy.
My daughter, on the other hand, died when she was two weeks old. It was real for me. But even I don't tell everyone that. Especially not people I don't know personally. I see it as much as you do. Strangers are totally overwhelmed with it, it would be the same for me. Then sometimes you get excited when "strange" questions are asked. So I prefer to keep quiet and say I have three children.

I just want to speak for myself that the miscarriages were bad too, but nothing compared to my daughter's death. Everyone can mourn as long as they want, I also mourned my miscarriages, but at some point I said to myself, who knows, maybe the baby was sick.

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer fromSveamaus on June 17th, 2017, 10:52 am

When someone asks me, I often say that I have three children by the hand and the 4th child in my heart. That's actually how it is. I can't name an age either, but this child is immortal in my heart.

LG
Melanie with Leon, Mick and Svea and * in the heart

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Re: how many kids do you have ?!

answer from089dani on 07/12/2017, 4:10 p.m.

I have three children by the hand and when I am asked I also say I have three children. My two asterisks are in my heart and unforgettable. The two asterisks now get a tattoo so that I have them with me forever.

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