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Listless: Why men don't feel like having sex

Listless: Why men don't feel like having sex

More often than you think, it is the men who no longer want sex. For some, libido has been at rock bottom for years. Six reasons why nothing works in bed anymore.

“I would give anything to have good sex once a year!” Says a 46-year-old. She is an attractive woman. But her husband no longer wants to sleep with her, he hardly touches her any more, and she is gradually dying away inside. This has been going on for over five years. The American Michele Weiner Davis describes several such examples in her guidebook «Lustlos», which has just been published in German.

There are millions of women who feel that way. Male reluctance is the "best-kept secret" behind the bedroom doors. And it is especially difficult for men to admit this. Which is why they keep the subject silent out of shame. At the same time, advertising posters, films and media suggest that men only have one thing on their mind all the time. Some scorned women ask themselves: How could I pick this one listless man when they are all supposed to be so sex-mad? Does he have another one? Or is it me?

Too much pressure to perform

The problem is also known to the Gestalt therapist Philipp Steinmann, who leads workshops on sexuality with his partner LuciAnna Braendle in Winterthur. "There is pressure on the man: he always has to be able to get an erection on command and he has to satisfy the woman." These high, unattainable expectations led to substitute actions: the men cheat, go to prostitutes or focus completely on their work. "Many young men have Viagra with them for fear of not being enough," says Steinmann. "We don't learn that a penis can be soft while making love." The man thinks he has to "get it" and work his way through like a machine, while the woman beneath him moans and groans like in porn. "We lack role models for healthy male eroticism."

Most of the role models came from the porn industry. Or they are superheroes with six pack abs. Steinmann encourages men to deal with their own sexuality and being a man. Many men reached this point around the age of 40 when they notice that their sexuality changes with the falling testosterone level and no longer functions as it did before.

Escape into pornography

"Many men don't even know how to flirt anymore," says psychologist Peter A. Schröter. «How to approach, read signs. This is a border hike. " According to Philipp Steinmann, many men - and women too - say goodbye to couple sexuality and take refuge in pornography. «A fast visual channel - but disastrous. You drive on a reduced track. " Sensory stimuli such as smelling, tasting and skin contact are eliminated. Michele Weiner Davis also takes up the network and its risk of addiction. Intimate online chats and masturbation in front of the TV screen fulfilled all the criteria for real affairs: secrecy, intimacy, sexual climax. That is why it feels like cheating to the woman when the man watches porn. Weiner Davis advises women to address their husbands specifically, but not accusingly. And if nothing works: «Ask if you can take part! You might find it exciting. "

Too much harmony

The Hamburg sexologist Ann-Marlene Henning locates the problem of sexless relationships in partnerships that are too symbiotic. Many couples felt like siblings or good friends rather than passionate lovers. “Symbiotic couples stick together like icing,” she writes in her new book “Liebespraxis”.

For the sake of peace, they rarely contradict each other and no longer perceive each other as different people. That almost always has a bad effect on sex. “In order for desire to arise, you need a counterpart who is not completely alien, but maybe a little bit. Then you can explore this foreign, the adventurer in you is required. " It is important to remain an independent being, with your own needs, longings, fantasies and opinions. So it stays exciting in bed.

Too much habit

With familiarity, desire disappears. In many long-term relationships, couples find sex boring. Peter A. Schröter, psychologist, leader of Tantra seminars in Zurich and author of the book "The Power of Male Sexuality", knows many men who are surprised when they lose lust, when they are no longer so hot for women are like in the initial phase of getting to know each other. "This is the normal course of a relationship."

Maintaining good tension for years takes effort; "You have to do something for it." Schröter advises perception exercises, tantra, meditation, relaxation. He advises men not to aim for penetration, but rather take their time, learn to feel yourself well and slowly build up a closeness to the woman. "And very important: talk about sex."

Stress and emancipation

Stress, fatigue and alcohol are other pleasure killers. And of course relationship problems. If someone keeps nagging at the other person, the glow of passion is nipped in the bud. Appreciative communication is essential. Peter A. Schröter also observes that many men feel unsettled by the self-confident women who earn their own money. Emancipation has shaken role models - with sensitive effects on an erotic level.

To cheat on

Most long for a deeply monogamous partnership and family. Michèle Binswanger questions this conventional concept of love in her book “Fremdwalking - a handbook for women”. The expectation that sex should only take place within marriage is unrealistic: “Perhaps we should recognize that sexuality is also a kind of home and has a right to be lived. That we find ourselves in our individual needs and do not have to live according to roles intended for us. "

Should you cheat, watch porn or meditate together? Everyone has to find out for themselves what is right for him or her. Just not having sex for life is not a solution either.