How can psychological manipulation backfire

The salt in every relationship soup

Be honest - you too manipulate your partner by the line and thread. And of course you are manipulated every day, sometimes you notice it immediately, sometimes later or not at all. But be careful: the manipulation can backfire and put your relationship at risk.

"You, darling, can you throw the trash in the container? The lid is so hard to open." Of course that's a lie, but you play the game knowing that your partner will cook dinner for it. Because you are always extremely clumsy. These are the everyday manipulation games of the harmless kind. But there are also malicious and scheming strategies, and you should learn to see through them, because this is the only way to protect yourself from them.

This book shows you how to use your own strategies correctly and successfully, but also how you can see through the manipulation attempts of your partners and react appropriately to them. Correct manipulation does not endanger your relationship, no, it is actually good for you and makes living together exciting.

Review of the online journal "Systemagazin"
(07/26/2008, Wolfgang Traumüller, Worms: The High School of Manipulation):

Ugh, who likes that! And if it has tempted him or her once or even more often, who would admit that? Manipulate - so "finger" something, with a skilful, skillful, unnoticed handle, that usually smells of intransparency, abuse of power and unfairness, of illusionary art, magical deception, twilight! And who likes to stand there, at least in public, where other people's fingers point at them? As if the embarrassments weren't enough. We still have completely different means than manual dexterity. Talleyrand remarked to the Spanish ambassador 200 years ago that language is given to people in order to hide their thoughts. That hasn't changed until today. Many have tried it: it works! And when Wittgenstein called it a "switching of the spirit", he was not wrong at all. But now we are much further. He had not the slightest inkling of the persistent vole work of our limbic system, which secretly, quietly and quietly taps the gray cells in the upper room of our brain just as unconsciously as persistently one snip at a time, leaving them piously believing that it was everything under control. In the meantime, all essential decisions have long been made for him. Manipulation, and that in your own body and mind - speechless and without lifting half a finger, let alone noticing anything! Our beloved templates of free will have been put under considerable strain by the findings of recent brain research that even jurisprudence is puzzled over its fundamentals. They have also changed the earlier aftertaste of manipulation, but not eliminated it. Especially in contexts with strict norms, high moral standards, a dependency on the opinion of others, a reliance on credibility, such as in churches, trade unions and cooperatives, educational institutions of all kinds, but also banks, large commercial enterprises such as smaller companies, marriages, partnerships and other compulsory contexts and tendencies of all kinds is the case, it is still not only super-ugh, but also super-dangerous! Sometimes the talk is, but in any case, getting caught doing it. Those affected and affected then stand there as if rooted to the spot. Not only is the seduction great, but occasionally also the fear. Manipulation lives off and leads to ex-communication, one way or another. And, oh, who hasn't been there: from the economic boss to the office messenger, from the bishop to the sexton, from the school council to the peddler, whether high or low, whether old or young, whether man or woman? Especially between partners and in close relationships, where the border between inside and outside is razor-sharp and therefore almost unrecognizable - before the cut, it is particularly delicate and particularly painful. Everyone does it and the best thing is to do it right! At least that is the advice of Rainer Sachse, professor of clinical psychology at the Ruhr University Bochum, conversation and behavioral therapist and, as head of the institute for psychological psychotherapy there, one of the German specialists for cognitive processes.

So what could be more natural than a compact and decent basic course? Sachse teaches beginners the 'basics' and advanced users the strategies for successfully operating in the Twilight zone. Because how can something succeed, of whose basic terms you have no idea, where you only know how to lead puppets successfully from the Augsburger Puppenkiste, where transparency and authenticity are too high values, where perfect dosing is mistaken for stockpiling and where relationship soups do not know how to salt. The right opening of the game is already a high art, as is the elegance of the moves and the thread play and the effectiveness of the procedures in attack and defense no less. Because be careful, victims can read too, sometimes at least, and sometimes the roles are reversed in other games and occupations! So they too learn how to get attention at all costs, with positive or negative strategies, with more or less risk, as a solo entertainer, by being attractive, erotic, sexy, mysterious or aloof, by pressure and control, whining and complaining, Nagging and play Sleeping Beauty or have it badly, at least according to the representation. The manipulated victims also learn how to gain admiration through the "my house, my boat, my car" - or the individualist strategy, learn how to bind the partner to themselves by making themselves indispensable with an "I do everything." to you! "or" You decide for me! "and learn how to keep others off your neck with ricochets, passive resistance, the" It's all right, honey! "or the discount stamp strategy. A learning book about correct manipulation, even if it's a very small one, is always also one about correct sabotaging in the manipulation swamp and about getting out of the puppet role, regardless of whether the threads are made of wire or silk!

Of course, all of this carries not inconsiderable risks. But that's the way it is in life - there is nothing to laugh about! You have to see them and you have to know how to meet them, because everyone bears them and the consequences if the shot backfires. Sachse does not reveal a secret either when he points out her. The fact that the whole thing can ultimately work like a paradoxical intervention for one or the other cannot be avoided in every case and also a risk of this book, with which the author and the reader have to live.

Manipulating does not just want to be learned, but above all to be done, and it always comes to light. This is exciting or even exciting for everyone and occasionally not unpleasant, like this successful little book. This is probably the reason for the narrow breast pocket format, through which you can not only make it disappear quickly from prying eyes on the bus or train, but also always carry it close to your heart - whose thoughts and attitudes according to the teachings of the biblical books of wisdom are evil from youth on and off hence the recognizable shameful red cover when you pull it out of your pocket. But right inside, where things are as they really are, it shines comfortingly in the purest yellow, as louder as gold and as shining as the sun - if you disregard the many pages of blackened paper that are under massive pressure, which - like a gemstone and life itself - a beautiful frame is absolutely good for you. Oh, what a seductive touch - and what wickedly beautiful teachings! Good to stumble after so much wear and tear ... and to give away!

Wolfgang Traumüller

Review by Dr. Rudolf Sanders:

Most couples want to shape their togetherness in satisfaction and relaxation. And if this succeeds, this partnership means an opportunity to develop more and more into the person who is inherent in you. The couples who do not succeed and who are also brave to track down their failure will find out about themselves in this little book. Without any evaluation, Sachse assumes that manipulation takes place every day, and that it can even become the icing on the cake of a relationship if it is understood as a kind of challenge or game. But in order to be able to play this game, one must first discover which manipulation strategies are used and which goals are intended with them. In a close relationship, it is particularly about the topics of attention, admiration and strategies to bind the partner to yourself. In relation to individual intentions, such as wanting to bind the partner to you, manipulation strategies are presented such as: "I will do everything for you!" Or: "You decide for me, my darling!". In addition to the advantages of the individual strategies, a warning is always given as to the point in time at which they can become toxic to relationships and then cause the exact opposite of what the manipulator actually wants. Written with pleasure, the book helps to make the togetherness more and more authentic through self-irony. Marriage counselors and couples therapists will find it very useful to recognize and decipher their clients' implicit relationship patterns, thus paving the way for behavior that is conducive to relationships.